Too busy planning your responses instead of listening?

Many negotiators struggle with active listening in the heat of a negotiation. We have all been there. We are too busy planning our response instead of listening to the other party.

This behaviour is often driven by a false sense of urgency. Our need to swiftly counter an argument takes over, and we stop listening. If this is you, remember that silence, pausing and taking your time signal strength. Never rush a response. Countering every point does not make us persuasive, it makes us look desperate.

Negotiators also forget the multiple purposes that active listening serves in negotiations. Active listening is about more than eliciting information. Active listening builds trust and signals respect.

Many negotiators are tense when they come to the negotiating table. There is also a natural tendency for negotiators to develop a dislike for the person they negotiate with. Negotiators frequently fail to separate the issues from the people who communicate them. The knottier the issue, the more negotiators seem to dislike their counterparts!

Considering this, we should take active steps to bring down the temperature and make the other party feel comfortable. A negotiator who feels comfortable, heard and respected is more likely to listen than a negotiator who feels like he is not being heard or respected. Most people behave in the same way when they get uncomfortable; they lash out or withdraw. We want to avoid triggering either response. We want to keep our counterparts in a state where they are receptive to solutions. 

Of course, active listening is also about gathering information. We want to understand why the other party is pushing a certain position. Only if we understand the underlying ‘why’ can we avoid slipping into positional bargaining – that is, a situation where the parties ‘trade’ offers rather than understand each other’s needs.

Let me illustrate the point with a simple example. Imagine two children arguing over an almost empty jar of jam. There is only enough jam in the jar for one sandwich. Later, it turns out that one child wanted to use the jam for a sandwich while the other child only wanted the jar as a storage container.

The point is that you rarely start a negotiation with an accurate view of the other party’s needs. This is why active listening is key; it allows you to elicit information that you can use to find a better agreement. Moreover, by demonstrating active listening, you create a precedent for the other party. If you listened, they are more likely to listen to you.

People love being heard almost as much as they love winning – so let them talk, and you might just win by listening!